the thing that struck me most about your post was ‘I resisted working through my AD. I felt if I worked through it I couldn’t have what I wanted. So didn’t let myself work through it’. This is not my reaction at at. What I WANT is to maintain my weight and keep myself as fit and as healthy for as long as I can. I see my desire to overeat and particularly eating sugar as an obstacle that is getting in the way of achieving my goals. So working through my AD is my path to REAL freedom.
I can probably relate though to your thinking when I think about how I used to use to feel about booze. When I first acknowledged that I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol the idea that I would have to give it up pushed me into a complete meltdown. But very slowly and gradually (I’m talking 17 years) I realised that the pleasure I got from drinking alcohol was completely illusionary. One very powerful exercise I did was get into a relaxed state and then to imagine watching a video of myself ‘enjoy’ a typical night drinking. I saw myself sitting on the couch watching TV, getting up regularly to get another glass of wine. As the night wore on I gradually got drunk, until I passed out, still on the couch snoring. Nobody watching this would see a woman having a good time the reality was quite the opposite.
So perhaps you need to observe yourself eating the foods you love and don’t want to give up. Do as Gillian urges and get curious about how it really makes you feel. If you do get pleasure, how strong is it, how long does it last. What are the consequences, how powerful are they, how long do they last. Evaluate whether it was really worth it. Do this a few times and see what you discover.
Also, try working through your AD a few times, again really paying attention to how you feel. Remember just because you do this once it DOESN’T mean you have to do this all the time. The choice is yours and always will.
Lastly just be kind to yourself.