Gillian
Patti, you’ve done a good job of describing the situation, and I bet many people here can identify with what you’ve said. There are a few things you’ve said here that express your denial of your freedom choice, which is the fundamental problem you’re experiencing.
Your denial of choice is creating the difficulty:
“it is always available but not right now. I feel like I am lying to myself because why can’t I have it right now”
If/when you acknowledge free choice, you see it’s available right now – you can have it right now.
Have you watched the videos in Week 2? That would help you a lot because that section is all about choice – how tough it is when you deny choice and what you can do about it.