Your insights are helpful! Thanks for taking the time to share them!
Are you saying you have been taking a class from Gillian for over a year (ie this isn’t your first class, you are retaking it?) That gives me hope, because I’ve not yet seen the progress I wanted to see. Maybe I just have to expect it to take more time and more practice.
I just did the exercises in 4.6 a few days ago (I am a bit behind, but I am still doing all of the course!), some of what I wrote was:
I eat in an addictive way because I am too lazy to go through the steps Gillian has been teaching us. It’s difficult mental work to talk through the steps and let myself feel the discomfort and acknowledge that welcoming the unsatisfied feelings is the path to change. I’m KIND OF kidding when I say “this is work and I’m too lazy” . . . because in plenty of other areas of my life I’m not averse to hard work . . . but I think this is ACTUALLY a thing for me. I’d rather avoid the hard mental work of going through it. In the moment, why not just keep eating? I find myself asking if I REALLY want to eat less / lose weight even though I KNOW I DO, but IN THE MOMENT, when facing the desire and choosing between action and laziness . . . .the laziness is comfortable.
I choose to eat too much because I am scared that I might really change or scared that I might fail.. This one also seems odd, but in the past week of introspection with Gillian’s steps-to-create-new-pathways, I think this is true of me. I’m scared of two things:
What if I do all these methods and they WORK and then I DON”T GET TO EAT MY FAVORITE FOODS as much? Then HOW COULD I ENJOY LIFE? Hilarious, but my primal brain thinks that.
Also, scared that I might NOT change. Scared that I work really hard to implement these steps and then AGAIN THEY FAIL like so many other strategies (diets/exercise programs) which I’ve tried and failed over the years. In the moment of temptation, I’d rather just stay in my familiar rut (even though it’s plenty uncomfortable: too-tight clothes, feeling fat, etc), than face the unknown of placing my hope in yet another strategy. Logically, I admit this is a brand-new method, with every indication that THIS method CAN enable me to develop a peaceful relationship with food that will last, THIS method should not be lumped into the category of all the other programs I’ve tried and have found didn’t work for me. But in the moment, I overeat anyway because I’m scared to risk trusting that to be true. I think, “What if I REALLY try it and STILL fail? Better not to try and just stay in the familiarity of my habits than to try and fail.”
Well, that is some of what I am currently struggling with–to re-read what I just wrote is a bit embarrassing because it is so illogical. But I do think it was helpful to write it and recognize that is part of the thinking I need to address and change. I love how you are viewing your mealtimes as an opportunity to heal/change. I think I will print some of your post and have it nearby to look over during the day. Also good advice to keep listening to the MP3 often.