Addictive desire

Home Forums ELO Forum Addictive desire

Viewing 20 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #2164
      Ciara Z
      Participant

      Hi all,
      I’m struggling a bit with addictive desire. Is it ok to act on it sometimes? I feel like I need to banish it entirely, but is that my all or nothing thinking? I think that if I act on my addictive desire then I’m in some way flawed. I want to eat less, to stop bingeing etc but I also want to be able to live a little. I want to be able to get ice cream with my little girl, or eat biscuits if I call to a friend, but I want to stop at that and not turn it into a ‘I’ve blown it anyway’ kind of binge. I guess my black or white thinking is stronger than I think! At the moment I’m trying to do one thing at a time – I’m trying to not binge at night time. I plan to eat a small piece of chocolate each evening after dinner and if I don’t binge then I’m happy. I’d like to improve other areas soon – like have smaller portions, but I’ll tackle one thing at a time for fear that my perfectionist eating will kick in. What is everybody else’s plan/thoughts on this theme?

    • #2165
      Vee B
      Participant

      Ciara, I’m trying to go the same way as you’re describing, tackling one thing at a time. For me the main thing at the moment is trying to understand what an ‘adequate’ amount of food looks like and feels like in my belly. Sometimes I misjudge, and I guess I also sometimes (quite often, actually, over the years) like the soothing nature of eating (addictive desire to ‘zone out’ in action, I reckon) – accepting this in myself is quite hard, but I am trying to use calmer language in my mind, rather than turning into my own worst critic. I recognise the ‘want’ you have to be able to have a biscuit or ice cream, and I too am hoping for a day when some of the foods that tend to trip me up (cheese, chips, chocolate) have less power and I can just enjoy them socially. I really liked the analogy in session 3 of pruning neural pathways for desire through cue exposure. Been trying this with living alongside chocolate bars. Hard going for me, but I’m hoping persistence pays dividends.

    • #2166
      Esther
      Participant

      Hello both
      I’m also trying to work through my addictive desire, finding it very uncomfortable, Gillian is it normal to be feeling this all day and Just trying to accept it and sit with it ? Stupidly I thought it would subside but it is there, I’m thinking also of the “pruning pathways” idea !
      Any comments welcome !

    • #2167
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Esther, pruning pathways is a useful concept, but it’s not the only thing to consider, because it’s not just a matter of waiting this out; waiting for things to get better.

      Remember (from Week 2) that the more persistent addictive desire (all day) is a symptom of your denial of free choice. It’s a form of rebellion; you feel trapped and you want to escape. Does this make sense?

      I’m thinking in particular of your answers for Section 3.6 Exploring Freedom, where you scored your “I have to…” and “I can’t…” statements 9.5 out of 10! I’ll be speaking about all of this in the webinar on Sunday, and what to do about it. For now, if you want to work on this before Sunday, go to The Solution in Section 2.

    • #2169
      Esther
      Participant

      Hi Gillian, I think maybe you are right, I will go to The Solution right now in section 2, thanks!

    • #2170
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Esther, that’s great. I wanted to add that you are far from alone about all of this and I hope others see themselves here and follow suit. So thanks to you for asking the question about persistent desire.

    • #2171
      Esther
      Participant

      That makes me feel much better thank you Gillian . I listened to literally the first ten minutes of The solution and realised that I have been denying myself choice … I guess the perfectionist in me wants it ALL right NOW …
      It’s a huge lesson and I hope I can move forward !

    • #2172
      Esther
      Participant

      Just one comment, it has really helped to re watch “the solution”, doing the “if I own my own choices about what I eat…” exercise has also helped in a really short space of time .

    • #2173
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Brilliant, Esther. In response to your comment, “It’s a huge lesson and I hope I can move forward now” I just want to add that the worst thing that could happen is at some point you lose sight of free choice again (remember my timer-switch analogy). Then, you notice what happened and return to that Section 2 video, or the exercise “If I own my choices…”. That’s it.

    • #2191
      Victoria
      Participant

      I am exactly the same Esther, I want it all perfect right now! I have gone back and revisited sections about choice, as you have. One of the traps I have fallen into is complying all week, then rebelling on the weekend as I feel I deserve it. So this week I have tried to remind myself of choice and stayed out of compliance mode so I don’t feel the need to rebel on a weekend and I can start working through my Friday and Saturday night addictive desire to eat. Thanks for the tip about “If I own my choices…”, I did a few of those which certainly helped 🙂

    • #2192
      Esther
      Participant

      Victoria thats good to hear, its continuing to help me too, I am sure this is the way forwards. My latest finding is I can distinguish between hunger and addictive desire, and that, is very new for me.. I cant always work through the addictive desire but am able to for some parts of my day which feels like a step forwards. I have to remember to not be cross with myself for not being able to work through it every time and to be patient about it all, dam that pesky all or nothing perfectionism !

    • #2225
      Victoria
      Participant

      Hi Esther, that’s great, I still struggle with distinguishing the two at times. We sound very similar with our perfectionist style of eating, all or nothing. I find the middle ground difficult but I have made progress with it this week and not been as compliant as I usually am, without rebelling. This is a completely new way of thinking and it feels difficult at the moment but I’m hoping as it becomes embedded it will become easier.

    • #2229
      Esther
      Participant

      Hi Victoria
      This is not easy for us is it (within the context of perfectionism); but I think we can do it for sure .
      The only thing I’ve learnt for me is it’s ok for me to feel hunger so far …

    • #2231
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Esther, I wonder why you say, “The only thing I’ve learnt for me is it’s ok for me to feel hunger so far …” when just a couple of days ago you learned the value of returning to the video on choice, which helped you right away? You said (see post above) “It’s a huge lesson…”

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Gillian.
    • #2235
      Esther
      Participant

      Gillian i don’t think I worded that very well.
      I meant it’s a huge thing for me to learn that it’s ok to feel hunger and that there’s a vast difference between that feeling and addictive desire (very new to me ). I have also learnt I have a choice as to whether i continue to overeat or not which on reflection is of course the “biggie”!

    • #2236
      Esther
      Participant

      Previously I could not distinguish between the two…or have the awareness to feel either as different entities ..

    • #2237
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      A helpful clarification, Esther. Thanks.

      It’s no problem if you really can tell the difference between a genuine need for food and addictive desire, but this may not always be clear. It seems to me that we mostly make our best guesses as to where our overeating begins. I go through the research about this in my (free) e-book, “What is Wrong with Intuitive Eating?” which is available at eatingless.com if you haven’t read it already.

      Yes, you’re right, they can feel quite different but I wouldn’t want you to think that your body will always – reliably – let you know which one you’re feeling.

    • #2238
      Ciara Z
      Participant

      Hi all, I’m still grappling with the concept of addictive desire. Is it ok to be in a grey area with addictive desire? A sort of middle ground. As in – I don’t want to be rebellious or compliant, however my perfectionist eating is convincing me that I should never give in to an urge, and if I do I’m just reinforcing it, thus making me feel like I’ve blown it. I’m so used to living by rules that I feel if I’m left to my own devices I’ll go bananas! For example, after dinner sometimes I’ll eat a few leftovers, or have an extra biscuit. In a scale of 1 to 10 it would be a 2 as opposed to a full 10 as experienced in a binge. But I’m coping ok.with this, and telling myself that I can continue eating all night if I want. I realise that I should attempt to change one thing at a time, but I’m so tempted to do it all at once.

    • #2240
      Victoria
      Participant

      Hi Ciara, I know where you are coming from. I’m trying to let go of perfectionist thinking with lots of rules and restrictions that I have put in place too. Friday and Saturday nights are when I usually rebel against all those rules and this is when I tend to overeat, snacking all night and this is when I struggle. So I am working on this and last night I ate a large meal for dinner and felt full afterwards and decided that at some point in the future I would like to work on reducing the portion sizes but for now I was just focusing on reducing my snacks at the moment. So later on in the evening the crisps came round and I took a few and ate maybe 5 of them but I stopped myself and thought ‘no, I’m not going to do this, this is just my addictive appetite and expectation’ so I stopped eating them and worked through it. Then my other half decided to crack open the box of really nice chocolates and hand them out. Again, I managed to work through this using the techniques. Plus I chose not to have a drink of aclcohol too but if I wanted to I could have, I wasn’t too hard on myself about that, it was the snacking that I was working on. So I had a large meal (with wheat which is usually the start of my rebellion as i try not to eat this but I chose to eat it on this occasion) and 5 crisps but I would have eaten the large meal, plus the crisps (more than 5), plus the chocolate and not forgetting the alcohol on top in an act of rebellion because my thinking would be ‘well I’ve already blown it’. That to me is a huge success. It’s not perfect, I broke 3 of my rules that I would normally set myself, (eating wheat, feeling too full and eating 5 crisps that I shouldn’t have) but I didn’t rebel, I worked through my desire and I managed to eat a lot less than I usually do which is a huge improvement so I am really pleased with my progress. I didn’t realise how much my perfectionism was setting me up for failure every time, so I’m settling for improvement 🙂

    • #2243
      Ciara Z
      Participant

      Hi Victoria, settling for improvement is a great way to approach it ? for me this makes a lot of sense because I want it all changed immediately, and so far that hasn’t worked for me! So, thinking in terms of improvement is great. I’m attempting to have a small treat every evening so I won’t go bananas at the weekend when I’m ‘off the wagon’. I’m not sure if this is me feeding my addictive desire every night, but I suppose it beats a full on binge for me at the weekend. I’m doing the same as you and trying to cut down on snacks but I’m still having all my meals and healthy snacks. I’m trying to not mindlessly snack and pick. I do get cravings, a lot, but I’m trying to cope better with them and not see them as the enemy. Well done on your progress ?

    • #2247
      Victoria
      Participant

      Thanks Ciara, that’s exactly what I have been doing during the week too, if I want something to snack on on a evening I have it rather than getting into the ‘I’ve been really good all week so I deserve a treat’ way of thinking which doesn’t do me any favours as I end up eating more. I’m just swinging through my week between compliance and rebellion. So now I’m doing things differently too. New mindset, new results 🙂

Viewing 20 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.