Feeling trapped

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    • #8781
      guadalupe
      Participant

      Sometimes I feel trapped, stucked, locked.

      Today I was overeating all day. I feel like I’m not moving on, that I’m stuck. Or that I move a little bit and then I go back. What costs me the most sometimes is to stop thinking about losing weight, and how fat I am. I have days when I get along well, and I am compassionate with myself. And I think that my body is ok, that I have to love and accept it that way (acceptance not resignation) and that being fat make me suffer a stigma and pressure that sometimes makes me continue being fat instead of taking me out of that place.

      I wonder why do I do this to myself, why I eat more if I know that it makes me feel worst after, and is not what I want. Why if I have the knowledge, and I understand it, I cannot put it into practice more than 2-3 days.
      I have a recommendation of the doctor to do not eat gluten, cereals (only brown rice) and any dairy product (even lactose-free) because of my intestine situation and digestion problems. I was 3-4 days without eating gluten and just lactose-free, and the truth is that I felt better about myself, not only because of having been gluten-free and that, but because I realized that I was without gases, without feeling heavy, without feeling bloated and with poor digestion and a bad taste in the mouth.
      Then the other day at dinner I ate bread, and from there I didn’t go back. I think I still see it as an all or nothing, and when I deviate because I eat a little gluten, or I overeat in a moment, I already go over to the ´terror side´ of I eat everything it comes to my hands, and I think “Tomorrow I´ll do it well” as if it were a diet.

      Of course that “tomorrow” never comes, and I spend a few days or weeks like this, until I eat so much crap that It makes me feel bad so much that I can’t take it anymore and I do the ´click´ at some point where I start to make better choices because I can´t go on like this. Now I know that I can go on like this and even worse if I want to. But I know that I don´t want to go on like this.

      It costs me a lot to stop thinking about changing the shape and size of my body, I know that the solution is not there, neither in a diet, nor in weighing myself every day, nor in doing a detox and losing a few kg and that, But the fact is that having the knowledge that the solution is not there doesn´t mean that more than once I think that is it there, and think about going back to that (diets, scale, etc). Since I ve started the course in May with you, Gillian, until now, I’ve only weighed myself once about a month ago. And I was doing it almost every day, where I had weeks or months that I used to weigh myself every day. I know that I don´t have to focus in the image and the body, and focus on sensations and the reality of how I feel if I eat x or y. But sometimes it is hard for me to focus on that, and yet I know that x food will be bad for me.. I fall into the “who cares” if yesterday you did it wrong, today too and tomorrow you do it better or perfect.

      I´m writing this down and I realize where the issues are to be dealed with. And I even imagine what you can say to me, but I didn’t want to stop going through here and write all this feelings and sensations I´ve know down.
      I feel like I’m stuck. Although I’m not really super-stuck, because I have noticed improvements many times when making decisions before eating x or y. And I have saved myself from enough binge eating with your techniques, because I have chosen one thing instead of another. I have choosen to do not eat because I wasn´t hungry and because of the outcome. The thing is that today … I haven´t been able. And I have a season of a few days in which I haven´t been able to do it 100%, sometimes I find myself eating something that I fantasized about it, because I´ve wanted for days or I´ve been thinking about it for days, and once I´m eating it I find myself there, eating that something, and when I eat it I´ve realized that it is not so good and delicious, that I am not so hungry either, but I still eat it. And I wonder why? Sometimes I stop eating it, and sometimes I continue because I fall into thinking, well, tomorrow I will eat better…

      I think I have to see everything again from moment 1 in the course, I think what fails me most is the motivation ☹ also the mindset, the choice.. a lot of things hahaha not only motivation.

      Thanks ;o)

    • #8782
      Julie Mann
      Participant

      Guadalupe, I’m sorry you are feeling so badly. I know that after a few days “in the food” I often can feel quite low and hopeless, which I’m hearing in your post.
      I just wanted to point out that you said this, “I was 3-4 days without eating gluten and just lactose-free, and the truth is that I felt better about myself, not only because of having been gluten-free and that, but because I realized that I was without gases, without feeling heavy, without feeling bloated and with poor digestion and a bad taste in the mouth.”
      I think you have a big why right there, and that perhaps you can revisit this with a fresh perspective later, seeing that you have a HUGE non-weight motivation, AND that you already know you get that benefit almost immediately, and I’m guessing that if you keep it up, those benefits will not only last, but increase.
      I know you can do this.
      Try to put these days of overeating behind you because I think you have the answer in your answer!!

    • #8783
      Jessica
      Participant

      Gaudalupe-

      I am anxious to hear what Gillian has to say but it does sound like you are having all or none thinking. Maybe do what Gillian suggests and plan to have some bread after a 2-3 day streak of none so that you aren’t being perfect. Best of luck!

    • #8788
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Yes, Guadalupe, I do think Jessica has got it right; you simply haven’t yet developed the skill of imperfection, so you are still in all-or-nothing mode.

      Week 6 will take you through all the steps you need to develop imperfect eating. Get some gluten-free bread, because eating even a bit of gluten can be damaging if you are so sensitive to it.

      And now, find ONE behaviour you want to change, work through your desire for it, and see how it goes, moment to moment. Your all-or-nothing thinking makes it all seem so daunting, and why you feel stuck, because it seems so big. So work on ONE thing at a time.

      I cannot tell you how important it is to break an all-or-nothing (abstinence) mindset. What you’ve experienced was bound to happen sooner or later – and will happen again if you don’t address this and break its hold on you.

    • #8789
      Louise
      Participant

      Hi Guadalupe, was sorry to hear you’re finding it hard. As others have said, that all-or-nothing mindset is hard to break out of – it’s what most of us have been doing for years. As Julie says, you have already come a long way, so don’t lose heart.

      I think it might also help if you use the mp3 recording Gillian made for us, right at the moment you feel your addictive desire. I have had huge surges in my addictive desire since Sunday’s webinar, and there are two chocolate bars that my neighbour gave me in my cupboard as I type. I had an incredibly strong desire for them yesterday, several times. Going through my desire myself wasn’t really working and I felt very conflicted about whether I was making a real choice to accept my desire, or just abstaining.

      I got Gillian’s recording (it’s on my phone) and listened to it using my earphones. It worked ever so well – there are things in the recording, like feeling the desire in your body, that I hadn’t been paying attention to. Gillian’s voice is very calming! And lots of reminders that feeling the desire is not so bad really – and feeling it paves the way to not eating addictively. I want to stop eating addictively more than I want chocolate! I listened to the recording about 5 times throughout the day and it helped me stay on track.

      I think it takes time to develop the skill of choosing to experience and feel your desire instead of overeating. I have been doing this for quite a long time, but I feel I have pretty much nailed it now. I am not pushing myself to make many more changes, because my eating has improved so much, and I feel so much better. I don’t think I have lost weight, but that doesn’t matter. I have got the tools and skills I need to eat well and healthily, and to me that is a great gift, for which I will always be grateful to Gillian.

      So I encourage everyone to keep going, to watch the videos, make notes and don’t give up. It really does work if you apply the technique consistently, moment by moment, while keeping your focus in your non weight motivation, and making progress just one step at a time.

    • #8797
      Julie Mann
      Participant

      Louise, yet again I LOVE your post.
      I too find that listening to the MP3 is super powerful. Gillian’s voice is soothing, and she really addresses nuances of all of her sessions in an uncanny way that just works. When I have the presence of mind to put it on at the end of my meal, my experience always goes much better than when I don’t.
      And I love the reminder that it takes time to develop this skill, like any other, repetition, practice, making mistakes, trying again, etc.
      Thank you.

    • #8813
      guadalupe
      Participant

      Hi Everybody. Im very thankful to all of your words!

      Julie, you are right when you said that I have a very big why, and that those benefits not only last, but increase. Thanks!

      Jessica, yes.. I have a all or none thinking 

      Louise, I loved your post. And yes, im not going to give up. Its just that.. for example when you said that you have been doing things well, you feel better, and you think that you havent lost weight and it doesnt matter. The fact is that matter to me, and that´s why I cant move forward I think. I want to be at that point that it doesnt matter. And yes, the audio is really helpful. I use it sometimes, Im gonna use it more. I need a bodyacceptance and motivation audio , I´ve started to use one of Louise Hay to sleep.

      Gillian, You are right, Ive to develop the skill of imperfection, Im in all-or-nothing mode. Im going to hear again week 6, I thought it was motivation and choice, but is mindset… Im gonna rewatch everything again, but Im gonna start with mindset and then motivation.

      The thing that I do when I start thinking of changing one behaviour is that I plan to do one thing some days, then another one, and its like I plan 6 weeks ahead and thinking that If I do that, I will lose weight. That´s why I think Ive to rewatch motivation like 3 times..

      So Im gonna start with one thing, maybe do not eat gluten and lactose, eat the non-gluten and non-lactose versions. I want to control quantities and quality and I cant do everything at this moment. So I think Im gonna start with quality… And once I can handle these for at least some days or a week I add another thing (maybe quantities).

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