June 13, 2020 at 8:16 pm #8017JessicaParticipant
Okay so I need some help with my husband weighing in on my food choices. He will tell me I need to eat healthier, pick healthier options and ask me almost everyday what have I eaten today?
I have done a lot of work around this in terms of my thoughts like I used to think he hated me, my body and was ashamed of me. Now I know that he is truly doing it out of a place of love and trying to be helpful.
A little bit of background we are high school sweethearts- he has never ever had a weight problem and what I would consider a “normal eater. I have gained over 100 pounds over the course of our relationship.
What does this mean for my free choice though? I will hide things from him, lie to him just so I do not have to disappoint him. How can I truly feel like I have free choice when his comments and concerns are prohibitive? For example if we go out and I actually want a burger he will tell me I should get the salad because I want to lose weight. This really just make me want to rebel though!
Also, I know you say to keep this information somewhat private so how do I address this with him?
June 14, 2020 at 9:12 am #8024GillianKeymaster
Jessica, this is tough but it can be made better so I’m glad you posted this.
First of all, your husband’s comments do not limit your own free choices at all. You have already lied to him, hid things from him, and no doubt overeaten in front of him. You’ve done that consistently enough to have gained over 100 pounds – so you can continue to do that, yes?
The big key for you will be to refuse to get into any conversation with him about your eating, your weight or anything you’re learning here. If he tries to choose your food for you, say, “yes, dear” and smile at him but say nothing more than that. Then make the choice you would have done, or now choose for yourself if that’s different now.
If you choose a salad, know you can get a burger another time, maybe when he’s not around.
This is not about trying to get him to change his ways. The way forward for you is to connect with your own freedom of choice (privately) and to not discuss any of it with him at all.
June 14, 2020 at 3:12 pm #8038guadalupeParticipant
Hi Jessica, I think this is really a hard thing to handle.. I used to have kinda the same problem with my husband, and when I tried to explain him my problem, he didnt understand it and also he didnt help at all. For him it´s easy to solve: “its willpower, eat less and move more”. I used to feel really bad with myself because he also judge me if I ate the same things he ate. For him it was “im not doing anything at all to change”. With my family is the same thing.
For them I have to be eating salad and chicken in all my meals, so if they see me doing that it´s like IM DOING SOMETHING.
And doing that or any diet is being in the same cirlcle, and even worst because you keep feeding that thoughts and actions.
Maybe you can tell him, that is not good for you and your selfsteem that he make any comment or judgement about what you eat and do not eat, because you feel judged or not loved the way you are, or accepted.
And that you know he tries to help you when he said that things to you, but tell him that he doesnt help. Maybe you need to be accepted and you need compasion. (im telling you this not because I think you need this, because I dont really know you, just because Ive realized that is what I need, so maybe it helps for you).
I dont know what Gillian recommend in this cases, but I´ve told her about my family and she told me to said to them that they are not helping with some comments.
Or maybe tell him that you are going to a psychologist or something, to try to solve this situation. Without explaining too much, but let him know that you are doing something about this situation you have.
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