i messed up – and learnt heaps!

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  • This topic has 13 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 1 day ago by natalie.
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    • #16090
      natalie
      Participant

      Hi Gillian & everyone,
      i’d like to tell someone that can understand what i’ve gone through the last 2 days, so here goes.
      Monday, i decided to do a fasting day, so ate small meals. Then i was offered some chocolate after dinner. i accepted it because i didn’t want to let them know i was fasting – even though i didn’t want it. I was frustrated with myself. the next morning, i weighed myself and had not lost any weight, was angry with myself again – although i didn’t admit it to myself. I ate normally until the afternoon, then went into rebellion, grazing all afternoon, even had ice cream after dinner – and we rarely have dessert.
      then i didn’t sleep well, going over it and over it.
      but i think i’ve learnt something – i saw my pattern:
      – denial of choice (fasting), in that prison cell
      – weight motivation and forgetting about my non-weight motivation
      – no self-compassion! i never realised that this was a problem for me – i wasn’t even consciously thinking it but i knew i was “wrong and a failure” – angry underlying thoughts.
      – all-or-nothing thinking
      – i was “eating my anger” as some would say – and i hadn’t realised that i can be an emotional eater (other than through boredom)
      – focusing on weight (the scales)
      – and most of all, i was in rebellion ….. addictive eating
      so what am i doing today? I am deliberately showing myself self-compassion. Because i like myself, i can decide what to eat for right now. and that includes knowing how eating whatever i decide will affect my body. It feels a lot easier today.
      i don’t think i’ve gone straight into compliance – but my improving self-compassion will help with this journey.
      so, just wondering – have other people experienced this kind of “all the pieces falling into place”?

      • This topic was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by natalie.
    • #16092
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Excellent, Natalie, and thank you for posting this.

      It’s exactly what I mean by learning from your own experiences, and I believe it’s really how people learn best.

    • #16093
      Christy J
      Participant

      Natalie,
      Thanks for sharing, it’s so relatable! In response to your last line, I’ve experienced epiphanies like you describe and then I think “I’ve got this!,” forget to pay attention, and then I fall into the same hole again. I love that you wrote it down so you can return to it and remind yourself. Hurray for your self-compassion, too! 😊

    • #16097
      natalie
      Participant

      thank you Gillian and Christy. i so appreciate your feedback! good to know i’m not the only one going through something like this. and good to know i’m on the right track.
      its now Friday and the last few days have been so much easier – no over-eating, just normal meals – lots of self-compassion and checking that i won’t feel over-full after i’ve eaten.
      thanks also for the tip about thinking, “I’ve got this”. I know i can easily go into compliance – i did it back in May when i first did the course. i wasn’t able to repeat it until now (i was away from home for 3 months and so distracted).
      Good luck Christy!

    • #16104
      Christy J
      Participant

      You’re welcome and thanks for your good wishes! Your reply got me thinking about the different states such as eating excessively with lots of addictive desire (AD), eating less with no AD, and eating less while engaging AD and retraining our brains. I realize I value “eating less” more than engaging my AD but engaging AD clearly is where the long term access to eating less becomes possible! Did you experience much AD in your recent easier days? If so, did you approach it with “How will I feel if I eat that?” or something else?

      This is my first time taking the course although I read the book this summer and had two individual sessions. I’m loving the seminar approach and the forum as well. 💕

    • #16116
      natalie
      Participant

      Hi Christy,
      so good to talk to someone with similar experiences.
      the last few days, i’ve re-read my blog – getting your posts reminds me to do that! i have felt like eating, i think from habit at times. i respond with self-compassion that “because i like myself, i can choose. How will i feel if i eat that?”. and i remind myself there is no way i want to feel that overly-full feeling again, or to punish myself with fasting and weighing myself. Sometimes, i’ve even felt hungry!
      So, it hasn’t felt like AD as yet, not exactly. that is why i’m wondering if i’m actually in compliance. but I figure the AD will resurge at some point. and i can retrain my brain a little more when that happens.
      has it been similar for you?

      BTW: I’m in Sydney, Australia – so get your posts late at night which means it will be your night-time before i reply.

    • #16120
      Christy J
      Participant

      Hi Natalie,
      I agree it’s good to talk about this stuff with someone who “gets it” and realizing that others who read our exchange may find it interesting or even helpful! You mentioning your biog makes me realize I might want to switch from my hand-written journal to a digital journal so I can search it more easily, hmm.

      Wow, it sounds like you’re learning a lot! I can so relate to dread of the overly-full feeling. I’ve not tried to fast (and instinctively know it wouldn’t be good for me personally) but I’ve been trying to eliminate foods containing almonds because I’m pretty sure I have a sensitivity to them. A couple days ago I ate a muffin made with almond flour, eggs, butternut squash, bananas, blueberries, walnuts, olive oil, and cinnamon – all seemingly healthy ingredients – but right after I ate it I started choking. So yesterday I tried to avoid almonds, leapt right into deprivation, and AD rushed to the surface. Of course! I’d like to say I engaged it well but it didn’t take long before I excessively ate stuff containing almonds and then my tongue felt sensitized – another sign that almonds aren’t my friends! So I’m going back to my non-weight motivations which now include choking/reflux and tongue pain. I’m reminding myself I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, as long as I’m also okay with choking and a painful tongue.

      I’m in New York State in the US. Right now it’s around 7 A.M. here and I see it’s 10 P.M. where you are.

    • #16128
      natalie
      Participant

      hi Christy,
      wow, that is certainly intrinsic motivation about the almonds, and immediate too.
      (luckily for me) i don’t have food allergies so haven’t experienced the pain you have.
      i don’t keep a journal, i’ve tried in the past to keep an ordinary daily journal as i go through life but i can’t write well enough not to bore myself! not one of my strengths. so, having this forum is really useful – i can write just enough to remember how i’m progressing. and i like that it’s saved on an electronic forum with password access.
      and excellent place to connect with others like yourself. i like reading through others’ experiences, questions and suggestions from time to time too.

      Today’s food challenge, Saturday, my nephew bought some muffins for us. it was a lovely gesture of thanks. I have continued to ask myself “how will i feel after i eat this?”. i did this time too, very consciously as in the past i just dismiss any thoughts and jump in. i chose to eat some, shared between us so not enough to make me feel over-full. Enjoyed making a choice and feeling ok about eating it. then chose when to stop!

    • #16130
      Christy J
      Participant

      Hi Natalie,
      I wish my reaction to almonds was always so dramatic, then I wouldn’t miss it or talk myself out of it being a real thing.

      I love your food win. It’s interesting how we can push right past the question of we’ll feel in the interest of having “the thing,” nice going on inserting a pause!

      Have you set a Goldilocks goal and, if so, how’s it going? Mine is to not eat between my morning snack and lunch. I’m realizing that one of my biggest downfalls is eating more to help myself feel better after I’ve already overeaten, as irrational as that sounds. I ate too much for lunch today, for example, and immediately started thinking about eating more instead of digesting what I’d already had.

    • #16131
      natalie
      Participant

      Hi Christy,
      that eating more when already full is certainly familiar. i go into, “What the hell” and push away any thoughts of what i’m actually doing.
      I’m reminding myself many times throughout the day now that i can eat anything, any time. i think it’s helping to not have that feeling that “i have to eat something right now.”
      So, that’s my goldilocks goal – to remind myself i can eat what i want and i don’t want to feel over-full and get indigestion and can’t sleep. i find that if i use a goldilocks goal like “no snacking”, it becomes a diet rule and doesn’t last long. are you able to achieve your goldilocks goal? I hope it’s working well for you.

    • #16132
      Christy J
      Participant

      I’m going to stop addressing you by name in case anyone else would like to join our conversation, especially if anyone else would like to share their Goldilocks goals. All are welcome, right? 😊

      Hmm, I would find your Goldilocks goal harder than mine! I’m not ready to spend all day engaging AD. For me it isn’t that I can’t eat between my snack and lunch, it’s that I’m experimenting with seeing whether I can encounter AD during those few hours – usually only three hours or so out of twenty-four – and practice dealing with it. When I first started this a few weeks ago, I did try to be “good” during those hours but that just led to feelings of deprivation and more overeating. Now I’m approaching it with curiosity, aware that I can eat whatever I want even during those hours but my priority during that time is learning to be with AD. Hopefully this makes sense.

      I hope your goal is working well for you, too! 💕

    • #16134
      natalie
      Participant

      good idea. i think we should start new blogs by each of us – yes, it might encourage more people to add in. I’ll post a new one from tomorrow.

      It sounds like you’re doing well with your goal. i can see how it works.
      i disappointed myself last night. still doing well with engaging AD and making a free choice most of the time – until i was tempted by more cakes (bought by my nephew again). i could feel the automatic AD coming in. i tried to “choose freely” and ate one piece of cake but then i pushed away any thoughts and ate 2 bites of another – “just to see what it tastes like”. It wasn’t much, i know, but i was disappointed not to engage better with my AD.
      on the other hand, i’m not berating myself for it either. Today, I continue to consider each meal on its own and choose “for now”.
      this journey certainly has its ups and downs!

    • #16136
      Corina G
      Participant

      Natalie, Gillian and all,
      I just saw your post. Just wanted to share…I messed up, too , today, and I am very disappointed and I do not feel any light bulb insight, but it’s ok, I am under the influence of the inner bully. But, well, a little fall, but no broken bones, what can I say…
      Yes for intrinsic motivation to be healthy and feel good.
      For me one of the most self-compassionate actions is to not to weight myself, so at least I separate the looks & weight from the food addiction.
      I wish you, me and everyone a good start of the week, a new beginning!

    • #16137
      natalie
      Participant

      Hi Corina,
      ahh, messing up and feeling bad … i know it well too. but you have a goal that is do-able, self-compassion. i’m finding that surprisingly helpful. and am ok with messing up again, i remind myself its a journey.

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