Killing oneself over a cake.

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    • #3735
      Larissa
      Participant

      Hello Gillian and all.
      First, thank you so much, Gillian, for knowing all about overeating and voicing it out so precisely and fully that there is nothing really left for me except for agreeing with you in no more than two words ):
      Then to my story of struggling with choice. As I went shopping the very next day after the webinar it was obvious that there is no struggle. I made a choice to buy a cake as soon as I stepped into a habitual pattern of buying something sweet on the way home (i think I heard the bell ringing and was sullivating). So I was pretending to myself that I breath in and out and reason with myself that I cannot have a cake and make a step towards better health and better shape at the same time. All the way I was just looking for a cake I wanted. As soon as I found it in the third shop I immediately bought two pieces (one for my boyfriend presumably) and there was no struggle with making a choice at all. I just explained to myself that I understand it perfectly well, hence I want the cake first, I.e. now and I would move towards better health and shape afterwards.
      Needless to say I had both pieces of cake for myself on Monday and yesterday (no reason for shopping). But it has to be the calming effect of listening to you addressing me, yesterday I was fully content with the cake and myself, and unlike Monday I just knew that I had enough and do not want any more sweets.
      So today I didn’t have anything sweet at home and though I have been meeting with a friend at a restaurant I did not go for any cakes and did not join her when she had some ice cream. I didn’t really work with desire, I just felt that I do not need it like back in times when I did not develop a craving for food.
      I do not know how long it’ll last and would like it very much to hear your opinion on what I missed Monday when shopping for cakes the compulsive desire was so strong I could not fight or pacify it.
      And yes, I am still concerned about my shape more than about my health and I do not believe myself that I can have all the food in the world and I do not have to eat it to prove it. And yes, I have signed for the next webinar on October 13th.

      Many thanks as always. Sorry it’s so long.

    • #3737
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Larissa, when you were walking towards the cake shop, did you ask yourself,“How will I feel after I’ve eaten this?” In other words, is there any downside for you to this choice you’re about to make? To find the answer, you remember times when you’ve eaten these items in the past and the specific thoughts and feelings you had afterwards.

      If you didn’t ask yourself that, I suggest you make a special effort to remember. As this is regular behaviour, you could even anticipate it by checking out the downside before you even get close to the shop.

      And, if you asked yourself now, how would you answer? In other words, do you experience any kind of regret about this choice later on, one that has nothing to do with your size and shape?

      I look forward to your reply. Thank you for posting this – and I’m sure our conversation will help others too.

    • #3740
      Larissa
      Participant

      Thank you for your reply, Gillian.

      To answer your question, I forget to ask myself how I will feel afterwards. And if I was to answer it now, I feel absolutely wonderful and content upon having a cake. It is only afterwards when I have trouble fitting into my biggest clothes or look into the mirror that I start feeling remorse and regret about the way I eat.

      I seem to comprehend all the harm I am causing myself with every extra bite, but were it not showing in my face, size and shape I could still live with it. I do not want to wait for the serious health issues to make me find my true non-weight motivation. So far it was the higher level of energy I’ve had earlier in the course, but somehow I manage to go on my current one satisfactorily.

      Thank you once again for all your patience with it, as it is really frustrating to be very well aware of the harm done and still go on with the self-destructive behaviour.

    • #3741
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Larissa, I encourage you to read a post here on this forum from 4 days ago by Victoria titled “breakthrough”. What she’s written will be of value to you, as she has made that leap from motivation about improving appearance to supporting health. I do understand it’s a challenging leap for you – and many people – but unless you tackle that it isn’t going to pull together for you. I say this because I’ve witnessed this dynamic over and over with all the people I’ve worked with for more than two decades.

      “I seem to comprehend all the harm I am causing myself with every extra bite” is a vague, negative and threatening way to think of it. It’s much more effective to think of gifts you create for yourself, “if I accept and don’t satisfy this desire, I’ll have a sense of control and achievement, more energy and clearer thinking for the rest of the day” – or something along those lines that’s true for you.

      If you don’t make the effort to discover that for yourself and remind yourself of this at moments of desire, this will not work for you, as you are discovering. I can only point you in the right direction. I am not able to make the journey for you.

    • #3743
      Jenny Rocke
      Participant

      Hi Larissa,

      I have also found it very difficult to switch from just thinking about weight. I am now focusing on how I feel when I’m not bingeing and eating takeaways: I have lots more energy, my mood is much more stable, and I am sleeping better. It’s so hard to make that switch but I am starting to see how effective it is.

    • #3745
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Thank you, Jenny 🙂

    • #3746
      Larissa
      Participant

      Thank you Gillian and Jenny.

      I appreciate your support and encouragement. I am so willing to make this leap from being anxious about my weight to taking care of my health.
      I’ve had Victoria’s post in mind when saying that I want to make the right choice before I cause any serious problems to myself.

      And I’m working on it ):

    • #3747
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Let us know how it goes, Larissa, when you’re ready to do that.

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