more help with choice

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    • #5584
      Aimee F
      Participant

      Hello everyone.
      Does anyone have any tips or suggestions that have helped them truly believe they have control and a choice? Maybe even remind me which written exercises I need to re-look at. Gillian, you mentioned a couple exercises to me in an email but I was pretty sure I did do them on the site. Maybe I am missing some though.
      I’ve done lots of noticing and observing my eating disorder lately. Since stuck at home with no work right now, it’s given me more time to focus on hopefully getting better. Not a day goes by that I don’t relisten to one of the webinars or re-read some chapters of Gillian’s books.
      My biggest hurdle seems to be truly believing I have a choice versus just paying it lip service. I think that after 30 years of bingeing, I’ve lost all hope and faith in myself and still believe I’m too broken and beat down by the binge-voice or lower brain. It’s just so hard to believe I’m stronger than it. Gillian, you’ve given me help with this question before and I do take all your advice but any more or anybody else ever feel this way? Since I have so little faith in myself, I wonder if I should just call and pretend my upper/logical mind is something else besides my true self since I just don’t like myself a whole lot these days?? Does that make any sense? I have such a hard time explaining what I’m trying to say.

    • #5585
      Julie Mann
      Participant

      Hi Aimee
      I am following. I’m not sure I have great advice to give for choice is an area where I can get tripped up as well.

      And I too have been revisiting all of the lessons as well.

      I do, however, truly believe that YOU ARE IN NO WAY BROKEN AND that you can ABSOLUTELY heal from BED.

      Neuroplasticity is real and you can change the habitual patterns at any time in your life, no matter how long you’ve engaged in a habit. I’ve been at this for longer than you (almost 40 years) and I have imperfectly healed from it.

    • #5586
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Aimee,

      I do think the best thing you can do is the written exercise at 2.5 on the dashboard.

      Scroll down a bit to see it, and post it here or email to me if you want.

      And thanks to Julie for your message.

    • #5590
      Aimee F
      Participant

      Thanks for the encouragement Julie! I really needed that. Gillian says you want to be in the “driver’s seat” with choice, even if it’s not a good choice. It’s mine. I just need to trust that I am not too much of a mess and am “smart enough” to be in that driver’s seat.I’m past the point of worrying that if I give myself a choice about food, that I’ll eat ALL the food. I’ve been overeating and in binge/non diet mode for months now. After failing over and over for 30 years, it’s so hard to have even a glimmer of faith in myself.

      Here’s the 2.5 exercise:
      If I own my choices about what I eat…

      *I’ll eat real meals that begin and end versus just eating all day with no structure
      *I’ll quit eating so much fast food because it’s messy in the car and I’m wasting money
      *I’ll choose foods that aren’t so carb-y because that makes me want to nap and I feel groggy all day
      *I’ll actually be hungry at dinnertime and can eat with my husband versus eating even though I’m full from fast food I snuck all day
      *I’ll feel more like my “true” self versus some glutton that has no control
      *I’ll feel more outgoing and have more energy to spend time with friends and be social
      *I’ll have more of a desire to exercise, even just walk, because I wont feel so full and bloated

    • #5591
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Aimee, what did you think about doing that exercise? My suggestion for you is to do that exercise for yourself every day, or at least most days.

      I’m curious because a few days ago you posted that “it does seem to be working” and now it’s like that never happened. Can you say why?

    • #5592
      Aimee F
      Participant

      ummmm you’re right Gillian. I did say that. I don’t know..See, I’m totally crazy I think. lol
      I think I feel that it’s working some days but then later it almost feels like it was more of a white knuckle- will power thing. it’s almost like I’ve turned some of the thinking exercises into a “new diet’ in a way. I know you’ve mentioned that in the webinar. Like I did “good” on days that I practiced “taking as stand” and challenging the thoughts and then there’s days that I wake up thinking “it’s just too hard, I always fail, why even try ANYTHING to help this disorder”. It’s really so dumb because all I need to work on is accepting that I have a choice but yet I’m somehow making that into a big deal.

    • #5593
      Aimee F
      Participant

      oh and what did I think while doing the exercise? I thought it was my dream to be able to eat like that one day.My goals. What I would love to be able to do one day.

    • #5594
      Leslie
      Participant

      Aimee, I have a couple thoughts-nothing new, but I’ll share my reactions. I really understand the discouragement and how overwhelming it can feel! A reminder: those feelings can change quickly with one, two, or three days in the ‘driver’s seat.’ Or maybe even 2-3 hours if we’re following Times and Plans. It’s my most powerful tool after days with no structure, or feeling out of control. I look at the clock and decide when I’m going to eat next. I remember Gillian saying to make it an hour of longer is too hard. Anything to help us claw our way back (that’s how it feels sometimes) from the craziness…. another thought: if we’ve been immersed in addictive mindsets for years and years and years, doesn’t it make sense some of us might have periods where it feels impossible to change??? It’s a lot of habit to pull apart and pay attention to! Kind of daunting when I think about it all at once. Times and Plans step by step!! And be kind to yourself if you can. You sound a little harsh when you describe yourself and how you’re doing (which of course I understand). We’re setting out to make big changes and it’s not easy. You need and deserve support! It’s always helpful to read Gillian’s advice. Take care!

    • #5595
      Aimee F
      Participant

      Leslie, Thank you so much. I appreciate hearing all this advice. You’ve got some great tips!

    • #5596
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      For anyone following this thread, Aimee and I have set up a one-to-one call this weekend to talk these things through. This has been a rich conversation and I hope a good learning for all. And more to come, I think.

    • #5597
      Esther
      Participant

      hello all
      hope you are all keeping safe and well in these strange times!
      Aimee, Leslie and Julie I am with you all the way…
      I have also been revisiting the course especially regarding choice, I think that because it is an easy default to go back to (old habits, using the wrong language, going back to focussing on weight loss) it has helped me undoubtedly to review all the material and it has actually calmed me down and soothed me, reminding myself not to use the wrong language and just to choose for now!
      This time has been very difficult for me because I am now sole point of contact for my mentally ill mother (with multiple eating disorders mainly anorexia) and her carer, so spending alot of time with her in the house that I grew up in (was not a good time) has proved to be challenging. I have to add that I have made myself re visit webinars and course information and found it very helpful, mainly taking that I am on a learning curve, dont be so hard on myself and it has been easier to work through desire and stop, slow down and either accept the consequences of overeating or sit with desire…
      I havent always been successful, dealing with mental illness combined with absolutely no understanding of coronavirus or her own eating has been challenging, but, I have to remember the times I am able to stop and avert a binge are a real step forwards and I think everyone should remember that, as Leslie said about being in the driving seat, great, you got there, take it as a real positive and keep trying to work through desire.
      I watched the working through desire 30 min talk from Gillian tonight and it really helped when she said about just working on one thing…
      I hope this comes across in the way it is meant to sound!

    • #5598
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Hi Esther

      Sad to read your post here about the tough time you are having. As far as your own eating goes, the most effective stand to take may be: “either I live with this difficult situation I hate and I overeat OR I live with this difficult situation I hate and I don’t overeat.” Just for now, of course, and keeping an eye on what the difference between these two choices mean for you.

      As for the situation in general, I find it helps to look for “the gift” in it, what value there may be for you in the longer term. It’s inevitable you won’t see it at first, thinking, “WHAT POSSIBLE GOOD CAN COME OUT OF ALL THIS S**T THAT’S GOING ON?” But this is the whole point; if you could see the gift right away, it wouldn’t be a gift (of self-awareness, self-discovery, or whatever you want to call it).

      Hope to “see” you next Sunday for our Q&A webinar. Email a question for me! Stay in touch!

    • #5599
      Esther
      Participant

      Hi Gillian
      Apologies havent been able to check the forum until now, thank you for your reply that really does help and resonate! Just for now is the key isnt it?
      I will certainly be at the Q & A webinar on Sunday, also hope you are keeping well.
      I do see that this time is also a time for thinking positively and reflecting on life (the speed of it in general) and I can honestly say it isnt all bad, my mother is in the best possbile environment with an excellent carer so I couldnt wish for more on that front. I am learning and have learnt from this situation, it was in my head the worst possible thing that could ever happen, but in reality, it actually isnt, and I guess had everything been “perfect” for me food wise I would not have had the chance to re look at myself and my behaviours, good really that my reactions do not feel as intense as before and I can actually “see” what I am doing, less mindless..
      Anyhow I hope everyone else is doing ok and looking forward to sunday.

    • #5602
      Julie Mann
      Participant

      Oh wow, what a rich discussion. I didn’t get the follow up emails about the answers. So grateful to you all, we are all on this path, learning, healing, discovering, perfectly imperfect.

    • #5605
      Aimee F
      Participant

      Esther..I’m sorry to hear that things are a little rough right now. I always enjoy your input and look forward to hearing more from you!

    • #5614
      Esther
      Participant

      Thanks Aimee were all here to help eachother its a nice community

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