Rebelliousness

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    • #9651
      jodi b
      Participant

      Hi Gillian,

      I loved the webinar from 9-27, especially since you gave a very amazingly complete answer to the question I asked in our private session. Thank you Gillian! I just returned from a week long river trip and then a few days with the same group at the beach. I found that I was able to exercise free choice some of the time on the trip. I found myself feeling a bit deprived at times, like if others were eating the cookies at lunch for example and I was “choosing not to”. Also, I was up to my old tricks when I got home, when I had the freedom to go and get what I wanted to eat and eat it without anyone watching me, I binged on my favorite binge foods. I realize this is about choice, that I have the choice to eat whatever I want whenever I want to. But on the river trip this was not the case, the meals were prepared ahead of time, some by me, many not. Also, at the beach and on the 18 hour drive with my husband, I didn’t feel comfortable eating “anything” in front of him or the others. I have spent so many years not eating “bad foods” and sneaking them if I do. I recognize this is my perfectionism and rebellion, but I am embarrassed about my weight and being so much heavier than usual, and I worry about what my friends and husband are thinking when I eat “whatever”. I have shame and guilt around my ED and I know they all know about it. Any insight would be appreciated, thanks.

    • #9652
      Julie Mann
      Participant

      Following.

    • #9653
      jodi b
      Participant

      I am currently listening to the webinar replay for week 5 on addictive mindset and it is answering a lot of my questions from above. It sounds like I am very identified with the title of being an addictive overeater and having an ED. Gillian talks about justifications for addictive eating, like being alone as a reason to eat addictively, and that there is always a justification to eat addictively, it is automatic and an inevitable part of addictive desire. She says it is always there, the automatic reaction to eat, it always fits the circumstances and is the most sensible thing.
      The less I acknowledge my freedom of choice the more I will be attached to my addictive mindset.
      So, I guess I wasn’t really practicing a sense of choice while on the river, at the beach, or on the drive.
      I guess it just takes time to change my addictive mindset, use free choice and figure out what my justifications for addictively eating are.
      I am becoming aware of my addictive mindset, apparently that is a first step.
      This is crazy hard for me.
      Whenever I have any feeling it is uncomfortable, when stressed, anxious, fearful, happy, my AD surfaces and eating over any discomfort is such an automatic reaction for me. I am so wanting to change this pattern and I know this course is the answer.
      I have had a few opportunities today to notice my AD and use my pre-frontal cortex to forge neurons that fire and wire together, it did work, which gives me hope.
      It is hard to be willing to be a work in progress, I want perfection now! but it is good to realize that this is a process.
      thanks for listening as I try to figure this out.
      I am so looking forward to the next course starting soon, I feel like I understand the content quite well now and am feeling really ready to apply it in my life on a daily and even moment to moment basis, I’m so tired of the yo-yo pattern. Having a normal relationship with food would be amazing.

    • #9658
      Gillian
      Keymaster

      Jodi, everybody is in a different place with this work, so your process and progress can only be your own. Having said that, I know that a great many people find they discover a huge amount more the second time they do this course. I think for many, it’s fear that holds them back the first time: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of unknown elements in the course, fear of doing something or being coerced into doing something that’s not right for you.

      Lack of confidence in the course material plays a big part too. Why would you (how could you) feel confident in it at the start?

      Now, you are in a different place and I couldn’t be happier that you are going to be going through the course again – this time with a very different perspective.

      The way I see it, your job (and everyone else on this course) is to figure out the right question(s) that will make the significant difference for you.

    • #9660
      Louise
      Participant

      Also following. You asked such a great question Jodie, and the last webinar was the result, which was incredibly helpful.

      Just speaking from my own experience, I have done the course twice, and was already familiar with Gillian’s work. It really does take time to embed the learning and to practise it. As Gillian has said, you have to live it yourself, not just understand it as a technique. It is such a great idea to revisit the webinars. I watch two or three a week usually. I honestly get something different from them each time, and It keeps me motivated and on track.

      Like you, I overate in secret and was too embarrassed to give free rein to my huge appetite when with people. It felt dishonest, and made me resentful when I was in company and felt I could not allow myself to eat because of what people might think.

      I eat when I’m in company now, if I choose to, but it’s no different from when I am alone. I just make a choice. It’s been so liberating, and I feel less divided.

      One breakthrough for me (among many) is that when I was faced with an addictive desire, I did not choose not to eat something. Instead, I learned to choose to feel the addictive desire instead of eating. It sounds like just a semantic difference, but this made a big difference for me, in terms of feeling deprived. I wasn’t deprived, I could eat the food, but I could also experience the desire, even welcome it. This is where the mp3 is so helpful.

      Good luck. I know for sure that this works, because I have been eating pretty normally now since around August last year. There have been slips and trips along the way, but now I know that’s because I am not perfect, and I am ok with that.

    • #9665
      jodi b
      Participant

      Thank you Gillian for your insights and encouragement, I so appreciate you and this course.

      I have recommended several people to the upcoming course, as I realize it is the answer to a good relationship with food.

      Thank you so very much to you, Louise, for your insights and experience, it is so helpful for me to hear that I am not alone and that you are having such great success, it gives me more hope. Congratulations to you for all of your hard work.

      I am going to go listen to another webinar replay.

    • #9844
      Laurie
      Participant

      Jodi~ I’m one of the people to whom you recommended this course and I am so very grateful to you. Since the introductory webinar to this course, as of today, I have had 6 binge-free days and a peace and hope that I haven’t before experienced. I also have had no challenges or life difficulties to address during this time. BUT! this is the first time in a year that I’ve been able to string together 6 days of no binges. It’s a start. I have also been inspired by the genuine comments of participants in the forum and in the lessons. So much appreciation. Looking forward.

    • #9845
      Renée L
      Participant

      Yeah Laurie!

      It does get easier. Thank you for sharing your inspiration!

    • #9847
      Julie Mann
      Participant

      Yay Laurie!! And Jodi you are NOT alone. This course has changed my life!! Welcome all.

    • #9854
      jodi b
      Participant

      Way to go Laurie! I’m so glad you are liking the course. It is such a refreshing change from being told what and when and how much to eat. I am so tired of the yo-yoing. I am hopeful that this is life changing and sustainable.

      Welcome.

      Thanks to Renee and Julie for your comments.

    • #9858
      Victoria
      Participant

      Laurie- That’s great and very inspiring to read. Thanks for sharing that!!

      Louise- I found this line “when I was faced with an addictive desire, I did not choose not to eat something. Instead, I learned to choose to feel the addictive desire instead of eating. It sounds like just a semantic difference, but this made a big difference for me, in terms of feeling deprived. I wasn’t deprived, I could eat the food, but I could also experience the desire, even welcome it” very profound. That’s a great reframe that I think will be useful for me and others so thanks for sharing that.

    • #9903
      Laurie
      Participant

      Rene, Julie, Jodi and Victoria~

      Thank you for your welcomes and for sharing your very helpful insights!

      And Louise, I too, found your comment “to feel the addictive desire . . . ” to be useful.

      Looking forward~

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